Questions

I am that crazy person who checks her motives at the first sentence of each blog post.

Why am I writing this?
Why am I writing this here?

When I was around the age of five, my second cousin Christopher threatened to give me a "knuckle sandwich" every time I spoke, because I had to question everything. Considering how terrible my memory is and how few specific childhood events reside in my memory vault, it's pretty pertinent that I can remember multiple family members tirelessly telling me to, "Stop asking questions!" You may be thinking that was rather insensitive of them, seeing as I was just a young, curious child. No, they had reason. I really did question everything, including the answers. I played, "But why?" on repeat.

It can be somewhat unsettling to look back on childhood patterns and say, "Oh, not much has changed there..." In some of my processes of psychoanalysis, I've been fairly certain that I asked the same questions over and over because I never listened to the answer. I was too invested in the question.

If this pattern doesn't sound familiar to you, I can point you to more than half of the posts on this blog.

The ringing truth in this assessment gets most unsettling when I think of that mantra: "Jesus is the answer!" The side of me that wants so desperately to remain kindred to my non-Christian friends is the one that won't accept the answer, the one still playing "But why?" on repeat.

But I also know I can't go on a schizophrenic attack against the curious side of myself. The God who transforms hearts allows for renewed minds, and I have no clue what He actually, specifically wants that to look like in me. Still, I don't think it means God wants me to stop questioning things, because there are a number of things He has told me to question.

But anyway, I only bring this up and blog about it, because it has been a consistent characteristic of my four years of college. Through all of the change I did undergo, this string of sometimes dangerous curiosity continues. I'm hoping a future Katie on the edge of mental crazy can look back on this and recognize the pattern for what it is. There's only so much I can beat myself and others up about until I have to get to the answer.