Reconciliation

I usually like to shy away from using loaded Christian terms, but then I get to that place where I accept that it is there and used a lot because it holds a lot of Truth. If Truth is what I'm aiming for, we're gonna talk about reconciliation.

That's part of reconciliation, I think.

As I'm still searching and lingering on the sentiments of my last post, I continue to be bothered by myself, and I am increasingly aware of how much this is not a part of God's plan for me except as far is it will drive me away from sin and toward him. I haven't been called to frustration, resentment, complacency, apathy, jealousy, or any of those other things that I seem to be constantly trying to fight off to the eventual point of my submission to their evil wiles. I get these ideas of what's right, and then I like them a lot and ride them out as far as they'll take me because it's generally self-satisfying. A most recent example of this is how I have decided that my academics don't really matter. I use reasoning like, "It's just not my thing. My passions and interests lie elsewhere." While that might be true, it's still really stupid to deny that I am, nonetheless, at college. Whether it interests me or not, I am supposed to be open to learning, respecting the time and energy of my professors, and striving to be successful in this place that God has very clearly put me. Instead, I've been fighting and justifying my oppositions with startling consistency these past four years. I've let myself put in less than half the effort required for most of my classes (as a defensive mechanism from actual intellectual failure), and it's finally posing a threat. I'm failing a class that I need to pass in order to graduate.

But I'm not supposed to have even let it get to this point. Another thing I've been coming to understand is that life really isn't about pushing the boundaries until they break just so that I can frantically try to repair the rupture and try not to touch it again. There's more to this sing-song "trust and obey" concept than a little 6-year-old and now 22-year-old Katie can understand. I was always "the stubborn child." I questioned everything, and I resisted most things demanded of me. Now that I try to use this same attitude with God as I did with my parents growing up, I see what little effect it has as I keep trying to resist God's commandments. He's not going to bend the rules for me just so that I can live by my sacred idea of freedom to be me. Fortunately, he's been trying to bend and break this very rule I've made for myself. For this my heart breaks in two ways: first, because I know how disobedient I've been and, second, because this is as real as God's love has been in my limited understanding.

Trust and obey; you'll receive peace and hope.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person--though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die--but God shows his love for us in that while we were sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

-Romans 5:1-11

I need to stop these fruitless and futile efforts in trying to reconcile all that God stuff with my own ways, because I've already received reconciliation for even these fruitless and futile activities in which I dwell. I can't just sit around questioning this love, joy, and peace that is always being offered to me. I'm fighting all the wrong battles and winning all the wrong rewards. I don't like the idea that I could just be typing all of this right now and turn my back on these convictions in just a few days, and I know it's all a choice formed by my own attitude and perspective that so desperately need to be nurtured through Scripture and prayer.

What I need is a place to start. I need to fill in these holes that spiritually plague me: being prone to loneliness and "needing" someone or something to hold onto, wanting to be right and know what's right, needing something new and different to make me feel alive.

Why I shouldn't be lonely and frequently "needing" worldly fixes:
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul," therefore I will hope in him." The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him." -Lamentations 3:24-28

The Right that I should care about:
And Jesus said to [his disciples], "To you has been given the secret of the kingdom of God, but for those outside everything is in parables, so that 'they may indeed see but not perceive, and may indeed hear but not understand, lest they should turn and be forgiven.'" -Mark 4:11-12

The new and different that I *should* be striving for to make me feel alive:
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. -Romans 12: 1-3

Excuses of my own depravity aren't enough to keep me from my calling. I am to be righteous, because that's part of the prize of salvation. God has already called me to be his. Now (and many nows from now), I must walk forth in obedience.

(Lastly, I'm making this parenthetical to say thanks to those whose faith has been such an inspiration to me that I have been broken: Claire, Sadie, Suzannah, Noelle, Gillian, Sarah (those are just the ones with blogs), my parents, my grandparents--just to name a few. I encourage you all to keep up the Good work.)

Things of More

I'm feeling that extra super crazy urge to get out of the norm. I want to write a blog post that doesn't really have a topic, and I want it to be as inconclusive as possible. I want to know that things aren't as they seem and that there are more possibilities than we can know.

I want this couple that is walking by in front of me, fighting, to make a drastic turn in conversation and start complimenting each other without warrant -- just because that's not expected or really all that desired by either of them right at this very moment.

I know I'm talking out of my frustration right now, but this is how I cry for help from God. It's not settling to just say, "God, I know you're in control. I will meditate on Jeremiah 29:11 now and let the peace take over." It's much more settling to say, "I know you're in control and that you really have the power to turn everything we think is true on its head. You are the God who has been doubted and hated with more passion than some thought they could muster and yet you love with more passion than we can ever understand. You're the one I meet when I stretch my mind past its boundaries of norms and search for something different and real. You're also the one I meet when I turn my attention to my heart."

My heart inevitably beats to the rhythm of God's plan. I can't thwart anything that he has set.

Here's the settlement. I am unencumbered by trivialities, traditions, norms, expectations, and all other limitations, because when I look beyond them and finally grab onto something more, what I receive is directly put into my hands by God himself, the giver of all good things. Boundless, limitless.

That is the awesome God I need to see before I can unmistakably serve him instead of serving myself. Today is another pretty day, much like days we've seen before, but there's more. I can't see it, but I am ever-reaching for it.

I cried this morning. A lot. I felt it building up even during a praise and worship service I'm usually so quick to judge. It's true. God can penetrate this stubborn heart.

The band started to play "How Great Thou Art" and that was when I finally let the tears flow. Ever since my dad's father died seven or eight years ago, I weep when I hear that song and really listen to it. My grandfather drowned his life away in booze, and my dad suffered the consequences. At my grandfather's funeral, I had to watch my father, whose scars could not have been more evident, stand up and give the eulogy for the man he had every reason to hate. I heard him suck back his pain with a gasping breath, and I saw him try to hide his tears within the confines of untouched memories.

But I cried. I couldn't look at him. My cousin Amanda proceeded to sing "How Great Thou Art," and I kept weeping silently. I didn't know my grandfather, but I was raised by his oldest son, the man who made it his desperate and consistent goal to make sure his daughters felt loved and secured in ways that he only ever dreamed as a child when he laid lost and alone in his bed every night. I'm crying now just thinking about it and typing it all out. If there's any time I feel truly unworthy, it's when I think about this unknown past of my father.

And I wonder what to do with that. Pastor Mike had us look up Isaiah 61:1 this morning.

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.

And I thought of the man who did that for my dad--the one who pulled him aside after baseball practice and invited him to church. And I thought of my dad going to seminary. And my dad preaching for years and continuing in a role of spiritual leadership at my church. I think of the the wealth of knowledge and the wisdom my dad has, yet how humbly he nurtures and wields it. I don't know that I would have ever had a chance of being born had it not been for the good news being brought to my father. He might have decided to end it all and put himself out of his misery.

He needed the hope that is found in the love and mercy of Jesus. That very hope I take advantage of almost every single day of my life. The one I sometimes think I don't need, and without it I glance over Isaiah 61:1 without an ounce of love or compassion. I feel ill thinking about how happily I neglect matters of the heart, and I feel stupid knowing that I do it in the name of "reason."

I am without. There is still greater love that I cannot understand.

and tonight it's clear to me how a country could secede

"You accept religion emotionally or you were born into it. You do not accept it rationally." -Ayn Rand

No, according to Scripture, you don't.

"For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power." -1Corinthians 1:17

"Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world."-1 John 4:1

Ayn Rand was not proclaiming any sort of message from God. She was denying his existence, not just his power and supremacy. In an interview I watched, she talked about the supremacy of man and what a genius she has always been. According to her testimony, she began her life as an Objectivist from the moment she could think at the age of two and a half.

"See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ" -Colossians 2:8

I can't view Ayn Rand as some sort of prophet. Though she professes rationality and reason as her God, and I salivate at the thought, I know she is talking about her reason and rationality. It is inherently flawed by consequence of her humanity. Evil, to Ayn Rand, is altruism. You don't help your neighbor for the sake of helping. You help your neighbor by consequence of helping yourself. That's the closest you get to altruism.

As odd as it sounds, I can be very attracted to this idea. I love it until I take on the burden of being my own god and feel far less than adequate at the job. All the while, this is happening:

"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance." -1 Peter 3:9

I'm just saying, I'd rather see all of my energy and desire to know the answers go toward knowing God and not so much into knowing myself the way Ayn Rand did. There was a sad desperation in her eyes when I watched the interviews. She clearly feels trapped in a world that doesn't get it. I feel that way, too. She wants to be right and do right at all times. I want that, too. She wants it so badly that she has constructed her own right that she proclaims to be the only reasonable way to life. It's hers, and she owns it. She can't fail because its merit and direction is founded within her own being. She can't be wrong. She has constant assurance of herself.

It makes perfect sense that she made her life into a philosophy for all. However, as much as she tried to make it free of holes, it's hard to see how community can really survive in her philosophy. If everyone was an Objectivist, all would be living solely through their rational thought. The odd thing is that each person is also to be driven by his/her passion. Since when is passion an element of rationality? Were the Vulcans passionate creatures? You can't cut emotion out of inherently emotional beings. It's just not truth.

It's easy enough to look at any single element of Ayn Rand's principles behind her philosophy and find weaknesses.

I admire brilliant people, whether they are Christians or non-Christians. We see in the Bible that our spirituality and lives as Christians aren't fueled by our brilliance. Faith came to the salesman and faith came to the rocket scientist. Faith, however, doesn't always come easily.

"Now faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see." -Hebrews 11:1

I remember my mom asking me to memorize that verse when I was very young, and it has always stuck with me. When I think about it, I have to laugh. God knew this would be my hang up. So often I am ashamed of my faith, and I think it sucks. I think it's not enough, and I start to imagine how far that separates me from God and my Christian brothers and sisters. But that's just not true, nor can it ever be.

Of what am I sure I hope for? I am sure that I hope for God to be Truth and Sovereign. I may not always get it, but I always hope for it.

Now, I'm not always certain of what I do not see, but I will fight for that certainty. My soul can't rest until I do.

That's how I see my salvation, and at that, my sanctification. This looks far different from anyone else I see, but that's because I have a far different specific purpose. God is using and will use my restless soul. He won't let this come easily for me, because I can't work toward perfection without it. It's a glorious agony, and I can't wish it away.

(These last three blog titles have been brought to you by Bishop Allen:
)

...well I know, I know, I wanna be liberated

In continuation of the previous pathetic post, I proceeded to write whatever desperate thought came to my mind on the sheet of paper nearest to me when I was laying in my bed, whimpering myself to sleep. I read over that sheet this morning, watching my pride build up and finally explode into the final furiously scrambled line.

"I wish I cared more that Jesus loves."

So I popped the movie Saved! in and started watching. The beliefs portrayed in this movie are so distorted. They don't know Jesus at all, and I thought about how little I know him as well. That's when I wanted to open my Bible. I grabbed that sheet of paper from last night and flipped it over to the other side and wrote this:

"If I'm going to find a way to reject Christianity, I'm going to have to find a way to reject Jesus. Mark 6: 1-6 gives an example of Jesus being rejected.

He went away from there and came to his hometown, and his disciples followed him. And on the Sabbath he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were astonished, saying, “Where did this man get these things? What is the wisdom given to him? How are such mighty works done by his hands? Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary and brother of James and Joses and Judas and Simon? And are not his sisters here with us?” And they took offense at him.  

And Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor, except in his hometown and among his relatives and in his own household.” And he could do no mighty work there, except that he laid his hands on a few sick people and healed them. And he marveled because of their unbelief.

And he went about among the villages teaching.

That's likely how Jesus looks at me, marveling at my unbelief, unable to do mighty works because of it. How foolish."

Here We Are, Winter Again

I'm not sure which makes me nuttier: having nothing to say or saying something equivalent to nothing. Calling the most attention to both of these is my blog mindset. What motivates me to pick up my computer and start typing these words on my blog? Looking back, I know there have been times when it was a cry for help. Other times I've purely been looking for a place to gather thoughts, and this is a good enough forum for that. But then there are times like now when I have nothing to say but I wish so much for the words. I've simultaneously become aware of parts of my life that are spiraling out of control and the parts that are finally pulling together. I lament the bad and rejoice in the good.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. No words, remember. I can't write anything, because I know it will be a lot of nothing. My words are empty right now--even my thoughts. It's easy enough to tell. I don't want to be anyone's friend right now, because there's not much for me to offer. Receiving is difficult when you have nothing to give. I've puffed myself up with all sorts of knowledge that friends and family members sometimes admire, but I know how empty I can be in those moments. My faithlessness makes me want wisdom. If I can't have faith, I should at least try to understand what I'm supposed to have faith in, right? Then I can engage in those conversations, attend Bible studies, lead Bible studies, live in [a facade of] like-mindedness with my family and roommates.

I don't know why my thoughts often turn into a dungeon and I'm not sure when I will figure out how to keep that from ruining my relationship with God. It's come to the point that when I get a glimmer of longing to read my Bible and talk to God, I hold on for dear life, knowing it'll pass soon enough. Then I'm back in the slump where I read the gospel with a mental shrug, listen to my Christian friends with a skeptic's ear, and harangue my own mind out of faith.

It's a stupid cycle. I've probably written all of this before. Here's my love/hate with God: He is always right.

**EDIT**
In conclusion, I would like to get out of college.
Also, this counts as a cry for help and thoughts-gathering post.
**END EDIT**

The Prepping For "Real Life" Soundtrack

"Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise" -The Avett Brothers

"To Be Myself Completely" -Belle & Sebastian

"Home" -Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes

"To Find My Way To You" -Bebo Norman

"A Crooked Road" -Darrell Scott

"One Day I Slowly Floated Away" -Eisley

"Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots Pt. 1" -The Flaming Lips

"Let Go" -Frou Frou

"Now or Never" -from High School Musical

"Wait It Out" -Imogen Heap

"I'm Ready" -Jack's Mannequin

"Priorities" -Jane Gilmore
 
"Oh My God" -Jars of Clay

"If I Stand" -Jars of Clay

"Urge For Going" -Joni Mitchell

"The Future Freaks Me Out" -Motion City Soundtrack

"Awake My Soul" -Mumford & Sons

"Time is Running Out" -Muse

"Teenagers" -My Chemical Romance

"Riot Gear" -Regina Spektor

"How Great Thou Art"

"Be Thou My Vision"

"Change is Hard" -She & Him

"New Soul" -Yael Naim