Here We Are, Winter Again

I'm not sure which makes me nuttier: having nothing to say or saying something equivalent to nothing. Calling the most attention to both of these is my blog mindset. What motivates me to pick up my computer and start typing these words on my blog? Looking back, I know there have been times when it was a cry for help. Other times I've purely been looking for a place to gather thoughts, and this is a good enough forum for that. But then there are times like now when I have nothing to say but I wish so much for the words. I've simultaneously become aware of parts of my life that are spiraling out of control and the parts that are finally pulling together. I lament the bad and rejoice in the good.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. No words, remember. I can't write anything, because I know it will be a lot of nothing. My words are empty right now--even my thoughts. It's easy enough to tell. I don't want to be anyone's friend right now, because there's not much for me to offer. Receiving is difficult when you have nothing to give. I've puffed myself up with all sorts of knowledge that friends and family members sometimes admire, but I know how empty I can be in those moments. My faithlessness makes me want wisdom. If I can't have faith, I should at least try to understand what I'm supposed to have faith in, right? Then I can engage in those conversations, attend Bible studies, lead Bible studies, live in [a facade of] like-mindedness with my family and roommates.

I don't know why my thoughts often turn into a dungeon and I'm not sure when I will figure out how to keep that from ruining my relationship with God. It's come to the point that when I get a glimmer of longing to read my Bible and talk to God, I hold on for dear life, knowing it'll pass soon enough. Then I'm back in the slump where I read the gospel with a mental shrug, listen to my Christian friends with a skeptic's ear, and harangue my own mind out of faith.

It's a stupid cycle. I've probably written all of this before. Here's my love/hate with God: He is always right.

**EDIT**
In conclusion, I would like to get out of college.
Also, this counts as a cry for help and thoughts-gathering post.
**END EDIT**