ineptitude

As I've said before, I write the same thing over and over on this blog. Here it goes again.

Recently, I've come face-to-face with new levels of a weighty, uncomfortable issue I have with myself, which oddly enough, is not anything I'd ever want to disclose on a blog -- not in its entirety at least. It's been crippling me, but I don't know how to confront it or write about it properly. There is not much foreseeable chance I will ever handle this one well, so I'm trying to figure out how to trust and apply what God has to say to me about it. That's really hard.

It's kinda funny to treat blogging like therapy, though I'm pretty sure that's about all I use this thing for. Back when I actually did go to therapy, I mostly appreciated that I had someone to talk to who wanted to talk straight to the depth of my issues. Sitting in front of a TV, surfing the web, or any time I linger too long on surface matters in life, I just kind of go numb. The less deep I am, the deeper I want to be until no depth is satisfying. This is about as awkward as it sounds, yes.

I'm dissatisfied, and I'm not sure why.

I found out recently that a friend of mine is clinically depressed, which he didn't tell anyone or have diagnosed for about a year. I'm perpetually teetering on self-diagnosing depression and/or anxiety. Though it's pretty sick, I admit I'm a little jealous that he has actually been diagnosed and can now actively medicate his problem. Without a diagnosis, I keep wondering if I'm insane. I wonder why I can't function properly sometimes and why I periodically get so crippled by this (like right now). I can't say it's a chemical imbalance. I often say it's a spiritual imbalance, which is true of everyone. No one is spiritually perfect. Sometimes, I blame it on being in the college atmosphere, how it feeds this part of me that over-analyzes everything.

I don't really know what it is, but it hurts. I don't have depth, and I don't have clarity.