Still Trying To Figure It Out

According to Wikipedia, "spirituality can refer to an ultimate or immaterial reality; an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of their being; or the 'deepest values and meanings by which people live.'"

Christian spirituality makes this definition a bit more specific and a bit more complicated. When I think of a spiritual Christian, I think of one who speaks her thoughts as a conversation with God. This person makes her decisions because "God revealed it" to her. This person says, "Praise the Lord!" when you tell her of your good fortunes, and "I will be praying for you," when you tell her of your misfortunes. This is all what pops in my head when I contemplate Christian spirituality, and this is where there is some sort of exclusivity in what I perceive to be a more devout Christianity. My thoughts don't usually follow as a conversation with God, and I'm not always so quick to see what God is revealing to me. Saying "praise the Lord!" and "I will be praying for you," would both be awkward statements coming out of my mouth if they did come with much frequency.

That's the parallel to my thoughts and questions from a year ago. Ever since I went through such a serious season of doubt, I've wondered what all of it was for. I haven't really been able to figure out how my faith has been strengthened as a consequence of that time. Either that or my faith has yet to be strengthened as a consequence of that time. That would be a scarier realization for sure.

My aforementioned perceptions of Christian spirituality are off. A holy exterior can't be trusted as a definition for the heart of a believer. When I read Don Miller's Blue Like Jazz my freshman year, it was refreshing because I had a guy telling me he would go months without praying or reading his Bible and he knew lots of Christians who appeared to do a lot of things fundamentally wrong within the Christian sphere. I was reading about a lot of people I could see myself in as opposed to a book by someone like James White who makes me feel like I can never even hope to achieve the spirituality he possesses. I've been encouraged by failures and discouraged by the seeming Christian elite.

But then I step back and reassess the sources that feed my perceptions. Those sources are all of the world. Even the Christians (including myself) in this world can confuse this concept of faith for me, but they're not the source of truth.

Jesus is the Savior of the poor. I don't suppose He suspects I will be encouraged by Christian elitists. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them." This isn't to say those who seem to be more spiritually mature are wrong (clearly), but making comparisons doesn't do much good for a purpose toward loving and enjoying God.

I'm learning how to measure my faith using Scripture alone. I'm not that woman singing daily praise to the Lord like the Psalms command repeatedly, but I am still a woman who knows that the Lord is the one to be praised. I want to be cautious and sure that my praises come from faith and not from blindly following commands. I don't know if that's wrong, but it's real for me. Perhaps I'm clinging to cynicism, but then I surely do pray that God loosens my grasp rather than some more misdirected notions of truth.