Hallowed Hollow

In Zach Braff's film Garden State, Natalie Portman's character accuses Zach's character of being "in it" when she sees his face contorted in such a way that would suggest he was in a deep contemplative state. A couple of weeks ago I laid on a friend's bed, lost in thought, and was brought back by my friend's words: "You're in it right now." And by right now, she meant for the last several days... weeks... months. Good grief, I've been in it like mad. Meaning I have not been here. I've been within myself, feeding into my own revolutionary thoughts. I would liken the situation to Rasputin in the animated version of Anastasia when his head pops down into his hollow body. That was me. Hollow. A Body. Head trapped. Within this hollow body, I decided to create new organs of doubt, despair, hopelessness, irritation, frustration, and hatred. (Sorry this is sounding so Pilgrim's Progress (dang, lots of references).) It was fun and exciting at first. You know, before the organs were completely created. Before they could actually function within my body. I got to forget about who I once called Creator. I was the creator. I thought I could dethrone God in my life by suggesting He wasn't who this or that guy said He was. Nobody could get it right. Not a single person could really define God. So, God became an obscurity. He simply became Truth. He was fuzzy and unattainable. He existed alright, but He didn't seem to have an agenda. Not in my life at least. And all the while, in the process of dethroning and trying to create anew, I spun around in circles. My materials were limited. I had to take that piece from this thing and put it over there instead. Oh no, that doesn't look right either. Let me put it over here on this thing. Dang, that's not right either. Oh well, I'll try again later. Try and try as I might, I finally hit that inevitable brick wall. I was tired of spinning in circles. My mind was mush. My head was full of the most sincere form of nothing. It was gross. Just plain gross. And so I fessed up. Not to God but to my parents. Here's a snippet: "Sometimes I just feel trapped. I am always convinced that there is Truth, and I never doubt that, but I often doubt any sort of ability to really understand what it is and how it applies to us. I like to stress the importance of the big picture, but that doesn't help me but so much in the here and now. The only times I get any peace about this are when I suppress these thoughts and go on with the normal Christian life pattern, which is what I did when I came back to school... but then I got frustrated with the pattern again. It's gross to see life as cyclical because that feels like entrapment." Both of my parents responded, but what left the biggest impression in me was something my dad suggested: "If I hear you right, you are saying that even if you believe that the Christian faith is true, what difference does it make? It is hard to transfer that belief into practice with a passion that makes life worth living. I would ask you to read Romans 12:1-5 carefully for I believe that Paul takes that problem head on. We cannot be spiritually inert, we are going to move in some direction at the prompting of our own hearts and desires. That is the beauty and power of the transformed mind in that God actively does for our minds and hearts what we cannot rise above ourselves to do." Following his suggestion, I opened my Bible to the familiar passage, Romans 12:1-5: "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." After some ridiculously feeble attempts at dabbling with power and control over my life, I really have nowhere to turn but to God. I've known this was coming all along, but I didn't want to go there. I still kinda don't want to because it's scary. Fear God? Yeah, I fear God. Why? Because I am coming out of an experience that has shown me an extent of God's power and supremacy that I never really could fathom before. And to think that even this is a limited view? Man. Get me out. But don't. Because I need it. I need God. I can't care whether I want it anymore. I am hollow. All I can create are distortions and lies. Just a little bit before Romans 12, Romans 11:33-36 reads: "Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! 'For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?' For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen." And that says it all. That says it all about God at least. What does it say about me? Romans 12 calls me to be a living sacrifice to God. This is my spiritual worship, Paul says. I am not supposed to dwell here in this world, in my hollow mind. I am supposed to let God dwell. God fills up the hollow, "for from him and through him and to him are all things." I am from God. I am through God. I am to God. That's where I belong. BRB. Repenting. "From Depths of Woe" Words by Martin Luther From depths of woe I raise to Thee The voice of lamentation; Lord, turn a gracious ear to me And hear my supplication; If Thou iniquities dost mark, Our secret sins and misdeeds dark, O who shall stand before Thee? To wash away the crimson stain, Grace, grace alone availeth; Our works, alas! are all in vain; In much the best life faileth: No man can glory in Thy sight, All must alike confess Thy might, And live alone by mercy. Therefore my trust is in the Lord, And not in mine own merit; On Him my soul shall rest, His Word Upholds my fainting spirit: His promised mercy is my fort, My comfort, and my sweet support; I wait for it with patience. What though I wait the livelong night, And till the dawn appeareth, My heart still trusteth in His might; It doubteth not nor feareth: Do thus, O ye of Israel's seed, Ye of the Spirit born indeed; And wait till God appeareth. Though great our sins and sore our woes, His grace much more aboundeth; His helping love no limit knows, Our utmost need it soundeth. Our Shepherd good and true is He, Who will at last His Israel free. From all their sin and sorrow.