An Adequate Title

I want to glorify myself. So. Bad. I'm trying to fit God into my picture, and what's worse is that I realize I am doing this. I really do. I'm taking a Hebrew Bible class this semester, and my professor's basic intent behind his teaching is to get us to look at the Hebrew Bible in a purely historical manner. This means we can't assume that the stories being told are true but are rather representations of the actual cultures from which they came or for which they are about. Basically, he boils it all down to the Hebrew Bible being a tool for faith -- a faith that was constructed by the Jews and is projected onto what we Christians now know of as the Old Testament. Yeah, I don't quite get it either. And I'm slowly coming to realize it really doesn't work. There was a time when I wanted to believe these things about the Bible. I thought it'd be fine to step back and say I simply can't know whether this Bible is factual or not, but that I can still have faith in God the way that these characters had faith. Is it necessary for me to say here that I was rather atrociously wrong? Turning the Bible into a bunch of moral fairy tales will not conjure the longing for God, and more specifically for Christ, that these self-affirming Scriptures demand that I have. My dad has loaned me a book called All Truth is God's Truth by Arthur F. Holmes. It's a bit too pedantic for my ignorant mind, but I've pulled a lot out of it as far as understanding how God's reasoning really can't be matched. "The relation between faith and reason should be understood accordingly as the relation of the whole person, with his most basic and inclusive commitment, to his intellectual activities. It is a whole-to-part relation, rather than part-to-part. Reason properly operates under the motivation of faith, with the purposefulness of faith, with the integrity of humility and teachableness of faith, and its path is illuminated by knowing what it is the person so heartily believes. 'By faith we understand that the world was created...' (Heb. 11:3) does not mean that faith is itself either a source of knowledge or a substitute for knowing, but that the whole person's faith in God includes an understanding that God is the creator and that this affords the starting point for further thought. Faith gives perspective to reason, but it has no royal road to learning that can bypass difficult questions and hard thinking. The Christian believer knows God to be the ultimate source of all truth. In principle, all truth is God's truth. But the working out of this principle in regard to all the arts and sciences as well as theology is a job that reason itself must do." There is no way for me to succeed in even trying to understand this amazing world without a greater desire for trying to understand God, who I am told I can never fully understand. But doesn't that make Him all the more worthwhile? "But when the archangel Michael, contending with the devil, was disputing about the body of Moses, he did not presume to pronounce a blasphemous judgment, but said, 'The Lord rebuke you.' (Jude v. 9)" Even the archangel Michael knew he couldn't speak out of his own reasoning and judgments. What he knows is what God reveals to him, and that is where he draws his reasoning... without plagiarism, at that. This pride in my own abilities and reasoning is continually tripping me up. The more I feel like I am not only recognizing it but also coming out of it, the more I see how so many facets of my existence are clinging to... me. I know that I have not been seeking a relationship with God. I really don't know when I ever have, and while that scares me, it also gives me hope. I can at least know that there is more -- that there is a God who truly loves me, not me going to church, not me putting on a happy face for my friends and family, not me attending BCM activities. All I know is the John 3:16 business. The business that says God loves me. Not only that, but God gave me the ability to love in a way specific to me. He wants me to love Him and love others in the ways by which he has given me the ability and even the desire to do so.

(Un)belief

"If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations -- 'Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch' (referring to things that all perish as they are used) -- according to human precepts and teachings? These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh. "If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." -Colossians 2:20-3:4 It's funny how I allow myself to drown in questions and confusion when the revelations I seek have already been given to me in the Bible. Every time. Without fail. Mama Jo's been telling me not to discredit the Bible since it is so beautifully and perfectly compiled, lacking in nothing, abounding in truth. Some may call this closed-minded. Sometimes that's me, but I am continually knocked off my high horse only to realize God has been there all along. In the Scriptures. Where He says He is. It's almost like playing hide and seek and ignoring the loud rustling in the bush. "O foolish [Katie]! Who has bewitched you? ...Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?" -Galatians 3:1-3 What do I say to that? "Let me [request] only this:" "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief! (Mark 9:24)" (And I'm also learning God is not confined in the Bible as well, btw. Perhaps more to come on that front.)

Hallowed Hollow

In Zach Braff's film Garden State, Natalie Portman's character accuses Zach's character of being "in it" when she sees his face contorted in such a way that would suggest he was in a deep contemplative state. A couple of weeks ago I laid on a friend's bed, lost in thought, and was brought back by my friend's words: "You're in it right now." And by right now, she meant for the last several days... weeks... months. Good grief, I've been in it like mad. Meaning I have not been here. I've been within myself, feeding into my own revolutionary thoughts. I would liken the situation to Rasputin in the animated version of Anastasia when his head pops down into his hollow body. That was me. Hollow. A Body. Head trapped. Within this hollow body, I decided to create new organs of doubt, despair, hopelessness, irritation, frustration, and hatred. (Sorry this is sounding so Pilgrim's Progress (dang, lots of references).) It was fun and exciting at first. You know, before the organs were completely created. Before they could actually function within my body. I got to forget about who I once called Creator. I was the creator. I thought I could dethrone God in my life by suggesting He wasn't who this or that guy said He was. Nobody could get it right. Not a single person could really define God. So, God became an obscurity. He simply became Truth. He was fuzzy and unattainable. He existed alright, but He didn't seem to have an agenda. Not in my life at least. And all the while, in the process of dethroning and trying to create anew, I spun around in circles. My materials were limited. I had to take that piece from this thing and put it over there instead. Oh no, that doesn't look right either. Let me put it over here on this thing. Dang, that's not right either. Oh well, I'll try again later. Try and try as I might, I finally hit that inevitable brick wall. I was tired of spinning in circles. My mind was mush. My head was full of the most sincere form of nothing. It was gross. Just plain gross. And so I fessed up. Not to God but to my parents. Here's a snippet: "Sometimes I just feel trapped. I am always convinced that there is Truth, and I never doubt that, but I often doubt any sort of ability to really understand what it is and how it applies to us. I like to stress the importance of the big picture, but that doesn't help me but so much in the here and now. The only times I get any peace about this are when I suppress these thoughts and go on with the normal Christian life pattern, which is what I did when I came back to school... but then I got frustrated with the pattern again. It's gross to see life as cyclical because that feels like entrapment." Both of my parents responded, but what left the biggest impression in me was something my dad suggested: "If I hear you right, you are saying that even if you believe that the Christian faith is true, what difference does it make? It is hard to transfer that belief into practice with a passion that makes life worth living. I would ask you to read Romans 12:1-5 carefully for I believe that Paul takes that problem head on. We cannot be spiritually inert, we are going to move in some direction at the prompting of our own hearts and desires. That is the beauty and power of the transformed mind in that God actively does for our minds and hearts what we cannot rise above ourselves to do." Following his suggestion, I opened my Bible to the familiar passage, Romans 12:1-5: "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." After some ridiculously feeble attempts at dabbling with power and control over my life, I really have nowhere to turn but to God. I've known this was coming all along, but I didn't want to go there. I still kinda don't want to because it's scary. Fear God? Yeah, I fear God. Why? Because I am coming out of an experience that has shown me an extent of God's power and supremacy that I never really could fathom before. And to think that even this is a limited view? Man. Get me out. But don't. Because I need it. I need God. I can't care whether I want it anymore. I am hollow. All I can create are distortions and lies. Just a little bit before Romans 12, Romans 11:33-36 reads: "Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! 'For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?' For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen." And that says it all. That says it all about God at least. What does it say about me? Romans 12 calls me to be a living sacrifice to God. This is my spiritual worship, Paul says. I am not supposed to dwell here in this world, in my hollow mind. I am supposed to let God dwell. God fills up the hollow, "for from him and through him and to him are all things." I am from God. I am through God. I am to God. That's where I belong. BRB. Repenting. "From Depths of Woe" Words by Martin Luther From depths of woe I raise to Thee The voice of lamentation; Lord, turn a gracious ear to me And hear my supplication; If Thou iniquities dost mark, Our secret sins and misdeeds dark, O who shall stand before Thee? To wash away the crimson stain, Grace, grace alone availeth; Our works, alas! are all in vain; In much the best life faileth: No man can glory in Thy sight, All must alike confess Thy might, And live alone by mercy. Therefore my trust is in the Lord, And not in mine own merit; On Him my soul shall rest, His Word Upholds my fainting spirit: His promised mercy is my fort, My comfort, and my sweet support; I wait for it with patience. What though I wait the livelong night, And till the dawn appeareth, My heart still trusteth in His might; It doubteth not nor feareth: Do thus, O ye of Israel's seed, Ye of the Spirit born indeed; And wait till God appeareth. Though great our sins and sore our woes, His grace much more aboundeth; His helping love no limit knows, Our utmost need it soundeth. Our Shepherd good and true is He, Who will at last His Israel free. From all their sin and sorrow.

Today I Experienced

Quite An Exchange. I gave blood today in return for a how-to-choose-your-career formula. As Michael was draining the life out of me, he asked me what my major is. -Math. -What do you plan on doing after college? -I don't know. -You don't know? Have you tried to figure that out? -Not really, but I figure I'll know when I need to know. -That's no way to go about it. -Well, what do you suggest? -Well in order to get the answers you want, you have to ask the right questions. See, the smartest man is not the one who knows the answer but the one who asks the right question. -I see... so what is the right question? -Well to start off, you have to ask yourself: "Who am I?" -Can you ever really know who you are? I mean, all that self-actualization business and always learning new things about yourself stuff kinda makes it seem like you can't ever really know. -Yeah, but it all boils down to that one something that defines who you are. -Yeah, that's not obscure at all... -It's not. -Hm, okay. -The second question you should ask yourself is: "What can I do?" -That makes sense. -Yes, and you can't let your friends or money or anything like that lead you to your decision. You have to make the decision for yourself. For who you are and what you can do. If anything, this conversation let me know I do need to pull myself back into the here and now and keep my head from getting too clouded by the "what-if"s of life and God and stuff. I think there's a time for both. Right now I'm cloudy, but there's usually clear sky ahead.

Oh... Faith.

Ah, I finally had a mind dump Tuesday evening, which was great since my mind had been constipated since I got back to school (my apologies for the fecal analogy). Though I am now two days removed from the evening, I'm still on a bit of a high from the weight that was finally lifted... or the clarity that was finally wrought. I'd love to go into it here, but I found that as I tried to tell a friend this morning how great it was to finally talk to a like-minded friend about what's been weighing me down lately, I found I really could not relay any of the thoughts or conversation to her. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, see this post. I basically hit the point where I had to ask what on earth (or not on earth) I truly believed. Not only believed, but had faith in. I had to wonder why I went home for the summer and simply could not continue on in faith as I had at school. Truth is, I'm wrong. You're wrong. That guy over there -- yeah, he's wrong, too. But what is right? What is true? What is faith? Where is faith? Why is faith? These are the questions that have allowed the weeds of apathy to spread across not only my heart but even my mind. What's the point? I'd ask. Over and over. I'd cry. Over and over. God is and was always there, but God was so limited. He was trapped inside a book that I didn't want to read. It was Tuesday evening's revelation-laden conversations that brought me to finally say, "No, God is in those places that I've been lead to believe He isn't." This is hard to explain because it sounds so fundamental, but honestly, this has not been a simple revelation. Our churches' rules, opinions, and various other constructs have limited God too much. For me, at least. What I was hearing was: "God is for me, and He is for you, too! ...as long as you believe this, that, and the other thing." That is the mindset I am shedding, and it has allowed me to see God like I've never seen God before. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1 What are you hoping for? I am hoping for God's authority, not only over my piddly revelations and moments of angst, but over anything that ever hinders anyone from a true faith. I'm hoping for hope.

"Oh My God" by Jars of Clay Oh my God, look around this place, Your fingers reach around the bone, you set the break and set the tone For flights of grace, and future falls In present pain all fools say, "Oh my God." Oh my God, why are we so afraid? we make it worse when we don't bleed, there is no cure for our disease. Turn a phrase and rise again, or fake your death and only tell your closest friends, Oh My God. Oh my God, can I complain? You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief. Weddings, boats, and alibis, All drift away, and a mother cries... Liars and fools, sons and failures, theives will always say.. Lost and found, ailing wanderers, healers always say.. Whores and angels, men with problems, leavers always say.. Broken hearted, separated, orphans always say.. War creators, racial haters, preachers always say.. Distant fathers, fallen warriors, givers always say.. Pilgrim saints, lonely widows, users always say.. Fearful mothers, watchful doubters, Saviors always say.. Sometimes I can not forgive and these days mercy cuts so deep, If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep. While I lay, I'd dream we're better, scales were gone and faces lighter, When we wake we hate our brother, we still move to hurt each other, Sometimes I can close my eyes and all the fear the keeps me silent, Falls below my heavy breathing, what makes me so badly bent? We all have a chance to murder, we all have the need for wonder. We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the plunder. Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven, All the times I thought to reach up, all the times I had to give up. Babies underneath their beds, in hospitals that cannot treat them. All the wounds that money causes, all the comforts of cathedrals, All the cries of thirsty children, this is our inheritance, All the rage of watching mothers, this is our greatest offense Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God

Leo

I am home for fall break, and I now feel like I can finally fully dwell on one truly amazing recent event that I don't think I've entirely processed. Even when I was still at school, I frequently found my mind wandering off to this one precious occurrence from September 18, 2009:

My beautiful nephew Leonardo Spencer Martin was born, and he is pictured above with his beautiful mother (who also happens to be my beautiful sister) as they are both getting acclimated to this whole breastfeeding business. I figured it would be weird to see my sister with a baby. Well, her baby, more specifically. Even as I was driving the 9 or so hours to get to Chattanooga, TN, from Fredericksburg, VA, I could not really fathom the reality of the situation -- that I was about to meet my nephew/my sister's son/my parents' grandson. My other older sister and I arrived pretty much immediately after Leo was born, so we had to wait about half an hour to go into the delivery room. Still, it wasn't real. I knew it would be. I knew I would see that baby boy and it would smack me in the face. But when I entered the room, I only saw my sister. She was holding Leo, yes, but I could not tear my eyes away from my sister to take in the awesome vision of her newborn son. It's like in 27 Dresses when Katherine Heigl's character says she always looks at the groom when the bride is coming down the aisle, because his face says it all. Well, my sister's face said it all. Her eyes were completely puffy from crying, and her entire expression was soft with what one could not label anything but pure love. This woman was not the sister I knew. She was not the sister who would ignore me when we were kids because I was annoying. Or the sister who punched me in the stomach. Or the sister who graduated high school early so she could finally get out on her own, away from her family. Or the sister who took pride in emotional detachment for the likes of logical reasoning. No, this was a woman who had just cried hysterically for an entire half hour because she yearned to hold her child. This was a woman who discovered a level of love she never knew was attainable. This was a woman humbled, awestruck, selfless. Puffy eyes, red cheeks and all, I'd never seen anything more beautiful. Until I saw this: Talk about precious moments, folks. God dished out a huge one when He brought Leo into this world.