I Will Follow You Into the Dark

Mom says I need to find someone to talk to who can understand the way I think.
Well yes, that'd be ideal.
Thus far my challenge in finding those people is that they are generally not Christians.

And I think there's something to learn and actually pursue there.

I know that Christian fellowship is important. That was one of those harsh lessons I learned during freshman year when I had my "I can handle my own spirituality without you hypocritical Christians" phase. It was when I stared in the face of my own hypocrisy and flaws that I was able to lay down my pride and walk through the front doors of the BCM. (Un)fortunately, I'm still not over my frustration with Christians/Christianity, and I include myself in that frustration. I'm frustrated with myself, us, them, and most generally I am frustrated with sin.

And that's good!

Also, that's how I feel more comfortable and like-minded talking to non-Christians about the matter. Who is more frustrated with Christians than non-Christians, eh? Who hates the exclusivity, the holier-than-thou attitudes, the formulas, the spiritual hierarchy, etc. more than those people?

What really is unfortunate is the fact that I start to define God by these terms. I start viewing God as an exclusive God, trapped within a book cover and performing according to the whims of culture comfort. I get so wrapped up in my frustrations that I fail to seek out the God who is there--the real, unchanging, unfathomable, loving, gracious, merciful Being above everything. I realized I had lost my desire for God, so I went up to my dad's office and started looking around.

"What are you looking for?" -Dad
"Piper's Desiring God." -Me
*Finds book.*
*Starts reading book and gets really excited about God again.*

Through all of this (and I think this is what I've been trying to get at for a long time), I think it's probably a passion of mine to acknowledge humanity at its ugliest in such a way that I can glorify God in His perfection without alienating those of unbelief. I want to understand them and be with them, too. Christian bubbles are uncomfortable. I'd rather fight down the demons in my path than take the rosy path around the muck. I want to be in both places at once--within the depths of woe but praising a victorious God all-the-while.