What's not in agreement is my perspective on home/where I currently am/where God wants me to be at this moment. Because this place is small and because it houses memories of my lazy, unambitious, Godless past, I struggle for a present vision. Fighting old expectations and working at a cohabitant relationship with my mother are not on the list of things that *make me feel purposeful* -- which would be my excuse for running away this summer and finding a brand new environment bursting with new potential and new meaning in my life. New people. New lessons. New adventures and new fun. I'm reading Mark Batterson's Wild Goose Chase, and it almost feels like he's telling me to run out there and pursue these new adventures for God. However, I know where my heart is right now. My heart is scared, deceitful, unwilling, and it straight up wants to flee from this joint and fly up to these lofty realms of "purpose" I've created in my mind. I'm not seeking God adventures. I'm seeking an escape from God-given opportunities for spiritual and mental growth. It'd be easy enough to trick myself into thinking God is calling me elsewhere if I can find missions opportunities or housing opportunities and jobs far off, but I know that right now I need to not only face this struggle but face it with God. The most apparent blessing in this is that God is on the other side as well. My mother and I want nothing more than to encourage one another toward Christ. With God rooting for both sides, how can
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Summer Perspectives
I have this silly routine of taking my could-be-stable mental state on a crazy whirlwind of what-ifs and what-nows during these times of transition. I realize it's crazy, but oddly enough, it really is hard for me to just let a transition flow as smoothly as it typically can. My eyes have welled up with tears approximately five times today, and I've been home for less than 24 hours. Call it neurosis. Call it insanity. I'll probably keep my hands off The Bell Jar for the time being, but I won't keep my hands off these computer keys or off the Bible. And I won't keep my heart and mind from prayer. Call it God? Call it a calling? I want so desperately to be where God wants me to be, and I want to do what God wants me to do. I read books (like the Bible) that tell me to do these things and want these things. I agree. God agrees. At least our thoughts are in agreement, eh? Well, sure...
What's not in agreement is my perspective on home/where I currently am/where God wants me to be at this moment. Because this place is small and because it houses memories of my lazy, unambitious, Godless past, I struggle for a present vision. Fighting old expectations and working at a cohabitant relationship with my mother are not on the list of things that *make me feel purposeful* -- which would be my excuse for running away this summer and finding a brand new environment bursting with new potential and new meaning in my life. New people. New lessons. New adventures and new fun. I'm reading Mark Batterson's Wild Goose Chase, and it almost feels like he's telling me to run out there and pursue these new adventures for God. However, I know where my heart is right now. My heart is scared, deceitful, unwilling, and it straight up wants to flee from this joint and fly up to these lofty realms of "purpose" I've created in my mind. I'm not seeking God adventures. I'm seeking an escape from God-given opportunities for spiritual and mental growth. It'd be easy enough to trick myself into thinking God is calling me elsewhere if I can find missions opportunities or housing opportunities and jobs far off, but I know that right now I need to not only face this struggle but face it with God. The most apparent blessing in this is that God is on the other side as well. My mother and I want nothing more than to encourage one another toward Christ. With God rooting for both sides, how canwe He fail?
What's not in agreement is my perspective on home/where I currently am/where God wants me to be at this moment. Because this place is small and because it houses memories of my lazy, unambitious, Godless past, I struggle for a present vision. Fighting old expectations and working at a cohabitant relationship with my mother are not on the list of things that *make me feel purposeful* -- which would be my excuse for running away this summer and finding a brand new environment bursting with new potential and new meaning in my life. New people. New lessons. New adventures and new fun. I'm reading Mark Batterson's Wild Goose Chase, and it almost feels like he's telling me to run out there and pursue these new adventures for God. However, I know where my heart is right now. My heart is scared, deceitful, unwilling, and it straight up wants to flee from this joint and fly up to these lofty realms of "purpose" I've created in my mind. I'm not seeking God adventures. I'm seeking an escape from God-given opportunities for spiritual and mental growth. It'd be easy enough to trick myself into thinking God is calling me elsewhere if I can find missions opportunities or housing opportunities and jobs far off, but I know that right now I need to not only face this struggle but face it with God. The most apparent blessing in this is that God is on the other side as well. My mother and I want nothing more than to encourage one another toward Christ. With God rooting for both sides, how can
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KATIE! THIS IS SO ME EVERY SUMMER! I can relate totally, so proud of your perspective. Prayin for peace, love you boo!
ReplyDeleteI love this Katie -- you've put into words many things that repeatedly run though my head these days. It is hard not to have a vision for the future, but to want one badly, and nonetheless to be here in the moment, desperately wanting the abundance and righteousness of Christ, yet battling a sinful heart/mind that rebels against that desire and tries to prevent the incremental growth that so often ultimately points us to a vision for the future. Still. Id far rather be in that place than totally oblivious and not caring about it all. ahh that all sounds very vague/intangible, but i think you know what i mean :) love you girl!
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