Battles

Remember how gardens heal hearts?

Turns out life's only gonna crush those hearts again.
In a good way.
Because the Promise is Good.

I love my friends at home so much more with each passing year. In fact, I feel like we're even closer now than we were in high school even though our time together becomes increasingly limited and sporadic. This one's off doing research for the summer. That one is going to Germany. Those three are working at camps. That last one is married. It's almost impossible to get us all in one place anymore, but we still make earnest efforts to scrounge up whatever group is present to make the most of these dwindling days of the "school phase" of our lives. One year left. Ridiculous.

But that's not the point. The point is "each passing year." We see the changes in each other. We've been together long enough to say things like, "Oh yeah, I predicted she'd be one of the first ones married." To me this is hugely significant, because I love and respect my friends for a lot of the challenges they've met and victories they've had over the years. But, when I turn the spotlight on me, I can think of one change that probably isn't as apparent to them as it is to me--and that is my faith in God.

My heart is fickle, and this includes my heart for God. I've addressed this issue before, but it's worth hitting on again (since God is bringing it to my attention again). I don't know how to share my faith with my friends. I, quite honestly, feel moronic even trying to think of what I would say to explain some of my changed perspectives and the ways in which God has been revealing Himself to me. In those moments when I'm sitting around a fire with my friends and they're all so very content with their lifestyles and where they're headed, I straight up deny Jesus his glory by nodding my head in satisfaction of my friends' accomplishments. I consciously think, "These people don't need Jesus." This thought is wrong on so many levels, I'm not even going to go into its fallacies on this blog. I figure part of my issue is not having full assurance of my faith and also not quite getting how much of worshiping God is about God and not about me.

It's time to pray for courage, wisdom, and how to love my friends as a product of my faith in Christ. I will not be crushed and defeated two summers in a row.