There's stuff laying kinda heavy on my heart. Hm, I'll save the vague speech for a less meaningful post. My high school friends are laying heavy on my heart. This is where I say that only one of them is saved, but it's not where I say how much I wish they all were and how much I pray that they all will be someday. Perhaps that would be the right thing to say here, but I'm just gonna keep typing and see where I end up on all this. Hope you don't mind.
We all hung out last night, and it was really fun... so fun that I didn't roll up my driveway until almost 2:00 a.m. in the 19 degree weather. Ouch. What always strikes me about these times over break when we all make the effort to get together as a group is how much we've all changed but also how much we're all still the same. One major change is that one of us (the only other Christian) is married, and that one couldn't make it to our hangout. Another major change for me personally is how I've grown in my faith and, frankly, how awkward that is to bring to this group. I've never felt like I need to be that person who's telling one and all about what God is doing in my life, but I do believe a faith not lived is not a faith at all. Sure, that's easy to do at the BCM and while hanging out with some good Christian buddies back at school (not that I'm so great at that), but heck if I know what that looks like with my group of friends at home who are loving life and living it up at college without a desire or perceived need for Christ. I tend to linger on the surface with quick quips and frequent laughter--my natural mode of socialization.
When does this whole faith thing become natural? Is that a valid question? Why am I afraid of it turning me into a cookie-cutter mold of that Christian my home friends would never want to hang out with? Am I really afraid of losing my friends or am I afraid of feeling like I've subscribed to something that can be so alienating? I'm sure there's a way of loving these friends that is still honoring to God, but I'm not sure that I can really get much beyond the surface level in my relationships with these friends. This is mostly because I've noticed how prone my own heart is to hardening once I allow myself to dwell in the mindset of my non-believing friends. I even felt it last night. I felt that subtle commencement of disconnect from God just because I didn't want to take on the challenge that comes with the package of faith. The simple challenge of being who God wants me to be and not who the world wants me to be.
With that being said I'd love for all of my friends to live in faith, because I do believe that's where it's at and that's what it's all about. Put your whole self in but don't take your whole self out. But I don't want them to live in faith for my sake... to save me from the unfortunate disconnect I have from them because of who Christ is to me (or rather, who I need Christ to be to me). The biggest challenge for me has been trying to hang onto what I know I need rather than what I want, because truth is I don't always want the God business. Sometimes it gets in the way of my friend fun. Sometimes my faulty judgement fails to see a challenge as worthwhile. Sometimes I am a stubborn fool.
And sometimes I need more time to mull over something before I can make any sort of coherent blog post about it, but sometimes I post it anyway.
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"Why am I afraid of it turning me into a cookie-cutter mold of that Christian my home friends would never want to hang out with?"
ReplyDeleteIs that someone you would want to hang out with?
lol one of the huge problems I have with Christianity is that it doesn't allow for fun. Which sort of zaps you of creativity. When I'm in the religious mindset, I want nothing to do with any kind of art, because art often doesn't have a solid point to it, and I need everything to be obviously meaningful when I'm feeling "close to God." I dunno how to describe it.
But yeah. That's one of the reasons I shy from religion. It requires you to act a certain way. When you get so deep into that mindset, you become totally no-nonsense, so intensely serious, and have those solid viewpoints, and I dunno - it's kind of scary. It's not a *bad* way to be, but it's so limiting. I'm afraid because, what's the point in letting myself go that far if I can still never be sure of the faith I'm prescribing to, as there is no way to prove it?
End my rant lol. Yay for rambly postings. :x
"When does this whole faith thing become natural?" When you submit. When you stop questioning. When you dismiss all the other possibilities.
I think there's a big difference between being a stubborn fool and questioning.
I gotta say I kind of disagree with you on the creativity thing Amanda. I mean... I'm an art major. And I'm a Christian... and one of the things I love best about being an artist is the creativity and freedom I have in being a Christian. Sure there's times that I might struggle with an idea before acting or not acting upon it because I'm questioning if it is glorifying to God but thats something that I found myself getting so hung up on... that as a Christian I always had to make art that was glorifying to God... that I ended up becoming un-inspired and frustrated until I realized that whatever I make, be it a pot or a painting is glorifying when I am creating it with joy. Now that excludes something like pornographic imagery or exploitation of someone for the "sake or art" but thats not something I as an artist have ever struggled with.
ReplyDeleteI find that when I'm feeling "close to God" it in those moments that I'm either fully giving myself to the paint and the canvas or finding the most inspiration for my next piece.
Just thought I'd add my 2 cents.. maybe I was mis understanding you.
also.. I would like to not that my verification word is "drestom" which.. if it is in fact a word seems like one that would be perfect to describe a feeling or zapped creativity due to religious complexity!