I usually feel defeated before I even start writing something, because I always want to write about nothing. Rather, I want to reveal the nothing in my own writing. The seeming problem is that I don’t have anything significant to say, because God took all the significance we can ever come to know and had it written down for us to read. I can copy verses or even make certain applications of verses, but I’m still not really saying anything myself. Most of the time, I don’t even understand the significance of what’s significant. I am a seeker, and it seems a rare occurrence I can truly call myself a finder. I’m re-reading Blue Like Jazz and Don Miller hits on a lot of those, “oh wow, if only I had been exposed to this before,” sentiments, and I am partially grateful for having to reconsider the things I considered once before as a freshman at college… a totally different me.
My chest gets tight a lot lately, and my first thought is always, “God, is that you? What do you want?” I’ve never really experienced this frequency of chest-tightening before. Perhaps it’s an anxiety disorder, but I think it’s my life and the emphasis I am putting on the “my.” I was asked by my interviewer yesterday what I would want to get out of a summer at camp. I considered the question for a while, because my immediate thought was, “Do I really even want to have an answer to this question?” I realized the only truthful answer is that I want to understand God better in the sense of also realizing how much I can never possibly understand in this life. That’s the only way I can think to build faith. The I and the me are so selfish that I simultaneously need them shoved down as I’m discovering more and more the skyscraping qualities of God. Otherwise, I include myself in the mix. My discoveries about God are simply that: my discoveries. Thus the perpetual stuck and the always wanting and the never having.
I just feel stupid writing any of this down, even though I don’t know how to keep it inside. In my constant longing to dig and dig and dig and dig until I finally reach the tip of the root – a root I have never *seen* but *know* is there – I can’t help but feel like I keep tripping myself up with my own tactics of getting there. If the Bible is my shovel and prayer my radar, perhaps I should focus more on using these tools more proficiently.
Analogies are weird.
With that, I’m off to skip class and eat dinner with Katie Titus. Those are my thoughts, and I’m heading out now knowing how limited they are. Nonetheless, I am encouraged by knowing (because God said) that God’s thoughts and God’s ways are far greater, and I hope that you are, too. If nothing else, God is still God. Be encouraged.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Now
This has been the strangest week of feeling like there's so much to do while still feeling so little demand on my life. I'm still getting midterm grades back, so none of my classes are pressing assignment and test deadlines on me. It's almost like I got an extended spring break in coming back... but it doesn't appear my friends got the same gift, so that takes away some of the excitement.
However, it's been adding to my excitement about God. I had a phone interview for a counselor position at Camp Crestridge yesterday after all of my classes, and it lasted an entire hour and seven minutes. Honestly, it only felt like half an hour. As my interviewer so clearly stated (and restated), the interview was really just a conversation -- a meaningful one in my book. The camp is just another Christian summer camp in a lot of ways, but in the ways that it does stress its differences and in the ways it does take a fresher, more genuine approach to reaching out to kids, I see that those ways are my ways. And in that way, I really do want this "job."
So here's to God not filling my deep desires but rather my most earnest needs, and right now, I need to desire for God and I'm so grateful to really truly have that for at least this hour.
However, it's been adding to my excitement about God. I had a phone interview for a counselor position at Camp Crestridge yesterday after all of my classes, and it lasted an entire hour and seven minutes. Honestly, it only felt like half an hour. As my interviewer so clearly stated (and restated), the interview was really just a conversation -- a meaningful one in my book. The camp is just another Christian summer camp in a lot of ways, but in the ways that it does stress its differences and in the ways it does take a fresher, more genuine approach to reaching out to kids, I see that those ways are my ways. And in that way, I really do want this "job."
So here's to God not filling my deep desires but rather my most earnest needs, and right now, I need to desire for God and I'm so grateful to really truly have that for at least this hour.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A Tribute
My project on my great-grandmother is underway. Technically, I should be writing about her on the *actual* project blog right now, but what I want to share is a little more up the alley of "To the Life!" I was perusing through some great resources my great-grandma gave me over break and found within a scrapbook dedicated to her a little something one of her daughters (my grandmother) wrote about her:
A Virtuous Woman
Her husband could not have asked for a better wife. Her value is beyond description.
Her husband can trust her with the care of his household and his good name. She will guard his assets.
She looks out for her husband's health and best interest.
She provides for her family. When necessary she worked outside the home.
She made sure her children were fed, though at times, she may have wondered where it was coming from.
She was tireless in meeting the needs of her family.
She has good business sense and knows what and when to purchase commodities.
She has a great strength and is not afraid to work.
She is vigilant, always keeping watch over her family.
She is always prepared.
She provides food for the sick, comfort for the bereaved, words of encouragement to the downhearted. She cares for the lonely, and elderly. Her deeds of kindness cannot be counted.
She is not caught off-guard when trouble comes. She knows where her help comes from. Her help comes from God.
She is a compliment to her husband. He is not ashamed of her, and she honors his positions of leadership.
She is a woman of strength and dignity. She faces the future with confidence.
She is a wise woman. She knows when to give advice. she is not meddlesome. She has taught her children well, by example and words.
She tends to the affairs of her household. She can always find something to keep her busy.
Martin, Charlotte, Phyllis, Carolyn, Wayne, and Carl cannot praise her enough for what she means to them. They have indeed been blessed.
Charlie knows that among the daughters of men, he got the very best.
Mother is both charming and beautiful, inside and out, and she knows that true beauty comes by knowing God, fearing and loving Him and knows that her greatest praise comes in His smile and His "well done."
We, her family, are the fruit of her hands, and may we praise her by our commitment to love her God and follow her example.
A tribute to my mother (Mildred Shelton)
By: Phyllis Shelton Hunt
(A Paraphrase of Proverb 31: 10-31)
A Virtuous Woman
Her husband could not have asked for a better wife. Her value is beyond description.
Her husband can trust her with the care of his household and his good name. She will guard his assets.
She looks out for her husband's health and best interest.
She provides for her family. When necessary she worked outside the home.
She made sure her children were fed, though at times, she may have wondered where it was coming from.
She was tireless in meeting the needs of her family.
She has good business sense and knows what and when to purchase commodities.
She has a great strength and is not afraid to work.
She is vigilant, always keeping watch over her family.
She is always prepared.
She provides food for the sick, comfort for the bereaved, words of encouragement to the downhearted. She cares for the lonely, and elderly. Her deeds of kindness cannot be counted.
She is not caught off-guard when trouble comes. She knows where her help comes from. Her help comes from God.
She is a compliment to her husband. He is not ashamed of her, and she honors his positions of leadership.
She is a woman of strength and dignity. She faces the future with confidence.
She is a wise woman. She knows when to give advice. she is not meddlesome. She has taught her children well, by example and words.
She tends to the affairs of her household. She can always find something to keep her busy.
Martin, Charlotte, Phyllis, Carolyn, Wayne, and Carl cannot praise her enough for what she means to them. They have indeed been blessed.
Charlie knows that among the daughters of men, he got the very best.
Mother is both charming and beautiful, inside and out, and she knows that true beauty comes by knowing God, fearing and loving Him and knows that her greatest praise comes in His smile and His "well done."
We, her family, are the fruit of her hands, and may we praise her by our commitment to love her God and follow her example.
A tribute to my mother (Mildred Shelton)
By: Phyllis Shelton Hunt
(A Paraphrase of Proverb 31: 10-31)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Cookies
I've spent a lot of time not reading the Bible. On top of that, it shows. Primarily, it shows when I approach God, and I realize He already has answers for me that I haven't bothered to seek in His Word. When I really think about the fact that God has given us something that is now in the form of a book--something that some may simply call an historical text, some a mythological text, and then some of us who depend on this book for the sustaining of our lives--it straight up blows my mind. We haven't quite reached the desperate situation of Fahrenheit 451 or The Book of Eli where we want nothing but to fill our minds with every single word in order to preserve the book for future generations, but it is a bit of a wake-up call to read that book or watch that movie and realize how little time we've spent not only reading and memorizing the Bible but studying the Bible and living the Bible. The times I start to feel that God is least accessible are those times I've been so far from the Scriptures that they almost seem foreign to me when I finally revisit them. It's a little sickening how frequently this happens, but I know it happens because I've not been able to get into the mindset of one who truly does "depend on this book for the sustaining of [her life]."
There are a lot of "how to"s out there for reading the Bible, commonly written by pastors and scholars. Here's one, for example. My grandmother has mentioned in her Sunday school class that she finds it particularly effective in her own devotions to read from both the Old Testament and the New Testament in one sitting. My pastor responded to an email I sent him recently with this bit of wisdom about reading the Bible:
"You can read it like a phone book, you can read it simply to make a good grade on an exam (which I did often), or you can read it to feed your hungry soul. This latter way is the only way to grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ."
This left me wondering how to characterize a hungry soul. The "how to"s and the tidbits I can pick up from my grandmother or my pastor are truly helpful, but what can I get out of these practices when I've been eating too many cookies before dinner and am, therefore, not hungry for the substantial Word of God? How do I make my soul hunger and thirst for the Lord? Well, don't eat the cookies. Sounds simple analogously. By translation, I'm pretty sure those cookies are even harder to resist than literal cookies. Not eating the cookies means not leaning on my own understanding, not leaning on my friends' understandings, not leaning on my family's understanding, not hoping in what I prefer, not letting my faith go blind, and pretty much not putting stock in anything but what I know has lasting purpose and consequence. The thing is, I know that the Bible has lasting purpose and consequence. I've experienced it myself! I know those verses that are particularly relevant to me since they often pop up in my head when applicable. Why am I not constantly searching for more of those?
Cuz cookies are nummy.
It's funny the parallels we can draw between our physical and spiritual lives. Must be some reason why Jesus pointed them out so much...
There are a lot of "how to"s out there for reading the Bible, commonly written by pastors and scholars. Here's one, for example. My grandmother has mentioned in her Sunday school class that she finds it particularly effective in her own devotions to read from both the Old Testament and the New Testament in one sitting. My pastor responded to an email I sent him recently with this bit of wisdom about reading the Bible:
"You can read it like a phone book, you can read it simply to make a good grade on an exam (which I did often), or you can read it to feed your hungry soul. This latter way is the only way to grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ."
Cuz cookies are nummy.
It's funny the parallels we can draw between our physical and spiritual lives. Must be some reason why Jesus pointed them out so much...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
This probably doesn't make any sense.
I've been wondering for a while how much of experience is focusing on the experience itself. We started our Digital Storytelling class tonight discussing what should remain the same and what should change as far as the number and structures of weekly assignments go. The liberty to express these thoughts comes from the first-time experimental nature of this class. Sure, Jim Groom scheduled one class period where we all sat and deliberately discussed the nature of our class, but I feel like 90% of the experience of this class has truly been discussing it--through blogs, through questions, etc. My freshman seminar was much the same in this regard.
So then I think about Sadie taking pictures all the time and when I asked her, "How much of living an experience for you is documenting the experience?"--to which she responded, "A lot."
And then I look at myself and a lot of frustrated Christian friends who say things along the lines of, "We need to stop talking about serving God and actually SERVE God."
Of course, this opens a floodgate: "What do you define as an experience?" All I'm saying is... there's a lot of saying. This blog post is me writing about the experience of experience. That makes it difficult for me to get to my point. But I'll get there... maybe.
Something's gotta be said about those implied scenes between scenes in TV shows, movies, and books. We can't exactly cut those out of our own lives, so what of them? Are they insignificant for our own life stories? I'm sure I'd get a resounding "no" in response to such a question. Truth is, the all-encompassing story of your life is not the ideal. You spent too much time blaming that person or situation for something that was wrong instead of being that transition out of the wrong. Perhaps those are scenes you'd like to cut off the reel, but you know still that they are significant. You are that person who says, "I really don't regret anything, because anything brought me to everything I am and know today."
That makes anything part of experience, and that makes talking about and documenting and mulling over experience worthwhile. Some could argue it's like pushing the pause button and living a life detached from "real life." But maybe it really is just those scenes between scenes. You can't be removed from yourself.
But you can appeal to Something that is much removed from who you are and what you were born into. For me, this is the significance of feeling like I'm going outside of myself--because it makes me vulnerable to the Holy Spirit I have dwelling within me. There's not often enough room under my "heart bed" to shove all the crap so that I can open up that space for God to really dwell in me and use me as a vessel for His purposes. It gets so dark in this here body. Cluttered and lonely.
So I have to talk about that experience. I have to take a part of my life to talk about a part of my life. I'm sorry if I've lost you in all my crazy speak, but I think the point I'm finally coming to is that my life is not wasted. Despite the ubiquity of my sins, I should never be defeated by them. Though I must take the time to right some wrongs or even figure out what is right, and though that time may be relatively long, it's not wasted. And that's where you gotta be and what you gotta know to press on. That's how you stop complaining and start doing. It's in the experience of the experience of the experience just as much as it's in the original experience.
Ouch, my head. My apologies for your head, too, if you made it here and followed any of that.
Back to the experience itself again. Hello, Abstract Algebra.
So then I think about Sadie taking pictures all the time and when I asked her, "How much of living an experience for you is documenting the experience?"--to which she responded, "A lot."
And then I look at myself and a lot of frustrated Christian friends who say things along the lines of, "We need to stop talking about serving God and actually SERVE God."
Of course, this opens a floodgate: "What do you define as an experience?" All I'm saying is... there's a lot of saying. This blog post is me writing about the experience of experience. That makes it difficult for me to get to my point. But I'll get there... maybe.
Something's gotta be said about those implied scenes between scenes in TV shows, movies, and books. We can't exactly cut those out of our own lives, so what of them? Are they insignificant for our own life stories? I'm sure I'd get a resounding "no" in response to such a question. Truth is, the all-encompassing story of your life is not the ideal. You spent too much time blaming that person or situation for something that was wrong instead of being that transition out of the wrong. Perhaps those are scenes you'd like to cut off the reel, but you know still that they are significant. You are that person who says, "I really don't regret anything, because anything brought me to everything I am and know today."
That makes anything part of experience, and that makes talking about and documenting and mulling over experience worthwhile. Some could argue it's like pushing the pause button and living a life detached from "real life." But maybe it really is just those scenes between scenes. You can't be removed from yourself.
But you can appeal to Something that is much removed from who you are and what you were born into. For me, this is the significance of feeling like I'm going outside of myself--because it makes me vulnerable to the Holy Spirit I have dwelling within me. There's not often enough room under my "heart bed" to shove all the crap so that I can open up that space for God to really dwell in me and use me as a vessel for His purposes. It gets so dark in this here body. Cluttered and lonely.
So I have to talk about that experience. I have to take a part of my life to talk about a part of my life. I'm sorry if I've lost you in all my crazy speak, but I think the point I'm finally coming to is that my life is not wasted. Despite the ubiquity of my sins, I should never be defeated by them. Though I must take the time to right some wrongs or even figure out what is right, and though that time may be relatively long, it's not wasted. And that's where you gotta be and what you gotta know to press on. That's how you stop complaining and start doing. It's in the experience of the experience of the experience just as much as it's in the original experience.
Ouch, my head. My apologies for your head, too, if you made it here and followed any of that.
Back to the experience itself again. Hello, Abstract Algebra.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying
...which brought to the forefront of my mind this song from camp we used to sing around the campfire. I always took so much from these words, as we'd typically sing them on the last night of a session. It spoke to my position as a very blatant servant, teaching children about Christ's love and what it means to trust in God and have faith.
"Lord, I Want To Know Your Vision"
Lord, I want to know your vision,
Though I'm in a foreign land
Give me heartache for the hungry
And the grace to understand.
Lead me to the ones who suffer,
Those whose hearts cannot find rest.
Lord, I want to know your vision.
Put me where I can serve best.
Take my life as a sacrifice.
Let me see your good deeds.
Humble me as I serve thee.
May the glory be yours...
"Blessed be the name of God forever and ever, to whom belong wisdom and might. He changes times and seasons; he removes kings and sets up kings; he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding; he reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what is in the darkness, and the light dwells with him. To you, O God of my fathers, I give thanks and praise, for you have given me wisdom and might, and have now made known to me what we asked of you, for you have made known to us the king's matter." -Daniel 2: 20-23
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I Feel It All
There's been a tightening in my chest since Friday morning, and I don't understand where it came from or why it's there. For as of Friday morning at 10:00, UMW has been closed, so I've been supposedly living free of stress and anxiety. But as circumstances theoretically wouldn't have foretold, I am feeling quite the opposite. Something is heavy on me, and it's something that clearly shouldn't simply be ignored.
My old roommate Gilmore came over today, and we talked about her life, trying to sort through some of the nitty gritty and gain perspective on the overall. The conversation was good for her, and it was good for me as well. I realize how optimistic my views really are when I have that sort of time to meditate on and share them, and I also renew my sense of how much I really do long for Divine presence and purpose in my life. It was also nice to hear where she's been in her mind recently and to what place she has come. It's a little strange to not get the play-by-play like I used to, but there is something particularly more meaningful and necessary about this once in a blue moon mode of conversations we have going on.
Just like there's something particularly meaningful and necessary about my (no longer so) new living situation with Sadie. Her shared thoughts and perspectives have been more than encouraging to me ever since our first late-into-the-night conversation, and it's these examples of evolved relationships that bring me a greater sense of Divine presence and purpose.
It's the evolution of everything, really. It's seeing God here and there and everywhere. It's seeking God here, there and everywhere. It's knowing that even though I'm alone right now, I'm not alone right now. It's a tightening in my chest telling me that everything is so relevant. Take it all in. All of it. It's tears in my eyes because there's nothing else to do with this feeling but cry it out. Not because it's bad but because it's needed. It's finally feeling like He's got it and finally not taking that for granted. It's fear, relief, urgency, rest, desperation, and contentment. Most importantly, it's God, and it's God's love for me.
My old roommate Gilmore came over today, and we talked about her life, trying to sort through some of the nitty gritty and gain perspective on the overall. The conversation was good for her, and it was good for me as well. I realize how optimistic my views really are when I have that sort of time to meditate on and share them, and I also renew my sense of how much I really do long for Divine presence and purpose in my life. It was also nice to hear where she's been in her mind recently and to what place she has come. It's a little strange to not get the play-by-play like I used to, but there is something particularly more meaningful and necessary about this once in a blue moon mode of conversations we have going on.
Just like there's something particularly meaningful and necessary about my (no longer so) new living situation with Sadie. Her shared thoughts and perspectives have been more than encouraging to me ever since our first late-into-the-night conversation, and it's these examples of evolved relationships that bring me a greater sense of Divine presence and purpose.
It's the evolution of everything, really. It's seeing God here and there and everywhere. It's seeking God here, there and everywhere. It's knowing that even though I'm alone right now, I'm not alone right now. It's a tightening in my chest telling me that everything is so relevant. Take it all in. All of it. It's tears in my eyes because there's nothing else to do with this feeling but cry it out. Not because it's bad but because it's needed. It's finally feeling like He's got it and finally not taking that for granted. It's fear, relief, urgency, rest, desperation, and contentment. Most importantly, it's God, and it's God's love for me.
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