More Negative Drivel

My eyes have been opened recently to the magnitude of my negativity. I could sit here and blame it on being raised listening to to my mom's family sit around and talk negatively about this person/place/thing or that person/place/thing. That probably has had its influence in some way. I could blame a little on nurture and a little on nature. Blame is a nice finger-pointing position up until the point that I see it doesn't change the reality of my current situation and the reality of perceptions of me that don't rely so heavily on my sources of blame. It may not be my fault in some ways that I am who I am and that may seem unfair, but I think C.S. Lewis would use that as another example of how Satan gets a foothold.

Lately I've been getting really sick of myself and I've especially been getting sick of being sick of stuff. I'm sick of disliking churches. I'm sick of disliking Christianity. I'm sick of my fixations on people/things. I'm sick of my lack of ambition. I'm sick of believing I deserve better. I'm sick of my doubt. I'm sick of being prone to doubt. I'm sick of the negativity here in saying that I'm sick of everything.

I may even be sick of honesty. Sometimes I think if I were less jaded and more prone to trusting, believing, having faith and all that then I would probably be much more useful in this life, and I would probably have more joy. I wonder if there actually is any intended purpose in me being who I am right now. Sometimes I want to be better but most of the time I don't want that enough to actually work toward that end.

My mom told me once that I would probably have so much joy being a missionary. I have reservations about that. I know how fickle I can be. Camp was one of the most joyous experiences of my life, but I rarely spent alone time with God--even as much as that was encouraged by all of my superiors and my peers alike. I still don't spend all that much alone time with God, and when I do it's usually full of a lot shame on my end at how much my thoughts and actions show that my allegiance doesn't appear to be where I want to say it is. I feel like I'm spiritually a 5-year-old all the time. My mom tells me to say sorry to that little girl whose feelings I hurt and I mutter a half-hearted, "Sorry." I'm half-hearted in my relationship with God so usually I sit waiting for an alarm to awaken my latent soul.



"Roll Away Your Stone" -Mumford & Sons

Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I'm afraid of what I will discover inside

Cause you told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals

Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see

It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But you say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart

Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I've seen

Stars hide your fires,
These here are my desires
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so, I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul

But you, you’ve gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine