toward the end

It is exciting to look around and see my senior peers writing really awesome theses, stories, projects, what-have-you to wrap up the respective endings of their experiences in academia with big beautiful bows. A part of me wishes I could have that sort of ending, too. However, I left my meeting with Professor Lehman today the same as I do every week, feeling like a moron. I haven't understood a lick of what I've been "teaching myself" in this Independent Study. My experience with college-level math has been a humbling one to say the least. Consequently, I've had a lot of shoulda-coulda-woulda thoughts about how much I would have loved being a religion major, and how much I would love to be writing a religion thesis right now. Instead, I'm sitting across from my math professor each week with a blank look on my face, pleading for mercy. Not what I was hoping this whole academic experience would build up to, but that's where I've come.

Still, I haven't been able to bring myself to really hate these past four years and what has come of them, because college has been exactly what I projected it would be back when I was a freshman who didn't really even want to begin college. I knew this would be a place where I would be able to question life and seek out God. I didn't know how that would happen, but I knew it would bring a sort of fulfillment that would make all four years at college worth it, no matter what the academic outcome. Freshman me would look very happily upon senior me, because God did that work in her heart that she desperately wanted but didn't know how to seek.

But I'm not ready to get totally reflective on the whole experience yet, seeing as it's not even over. Just saying I see my own big beautiful bow at the end of all this. It just looks a little different.