I moved.

The Things I Love About Chattanooga

Getting to know and love Jared, Deb, and Leo.
Getting to know and love their friends.
Venturing off and making my own friends.
My room for which Deb spent half of her Saturday finding awesome deals on furniture and the cozy result.
The amount of alone time that I'm discovering I need.
God.
Invitations.
Downtown Chattanooga--even more charming than downtown Fredericksburg.
Developing [the fun kind of] routines.
The gratefulness for my presence & what I have to offer.
Writing letters.
Playing Rock Band.
Watching Scrubs and movies with Jared.
Leo running up to me and holding up his arms to be picked up for cuddle time.
Leo learning how to talk!
Leo calling me "Kakie" unsolicited.
Leo's smile. Leo's sweet, angelic voice. Leo's laugh. Leo's energy. Leo's life.
Leo.
Coffee!
Painting!
The midnight train.

A Transition Mix

Or "Those Songs That Play at the End of Any Arbitrary Dramatic Episode of Anything Dramatic"

Whichever you prefer.

For all of you going through times of major transition out there (but really only those having just graduated from college--I can't empathize with weighty transitions), I've thrown together a playlist of sorts. It won't do anything for you if you listen to any or all of it. You might like it, but you might actually hate it. I like it, and this is my blog. It might be kinda similar to this, but the descriptions make this one more fun. Plus, I'm currently in a whimsical mood, which you'd have known already if we were on Myspace. *whimsical emoticon*

1. "Dog Days Are Over" -Florence + The Machine
--The song playing the last time I got to watch my roommates dance. Commencement of transition.

2. "Livin' on the Edge" -Aerosmith
--Aren't we, though?

3. "Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise" -The Avett Brothers
--This one is obvious. I just blog-referenced it a few days ago, during this transition period.

4. "Good Life" -OneRepublic
--Same reasoning as above.

5. "Take Your Carriage Clock and Shove It" -Belle and Sebastian
--It has beautiful violin, and it's about sticking it to the man. If I ever stick it to the man, I want violin accompaniment. It glorifies the experience, no?

6. "You Don't Know Me" -Ben Folds ft. Regina Spektor (I highly recommend watching this video.)
--Because as much as we feel like we've grown in college, we still have a long way to go. I don't know you. I don't even know myself. Or something like that. The more I learn about myself and other people, the less I assume I know about myself or other people. Life is a paradox like that. Babble babble. You don't know me!

7. "Imma Be" -The Black Eyed Peas
--If all else fails, youma be doin' your thang.

8. "The First Day of My Life" -Bright Eyes
--
So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

9. "Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)" -Chris Rice
--This song has moved me on several occasions, and I don't know that I'm all that easily moved. I recognize that I would normally find these sorts of lyrics cheesy, but I can't deny the promise they hold.
And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live! 

10. "Don't Panic" -Coldplay
--Don't panic, because we live in a beautiful world. Yeah, we do. Yeah, we do. This is on the Garden State soundtrack, and that movie just makes me think of life in its every gross-yet-beautiful nook and cranny.

11. "Holding on to Good" -Delta Rae
--For the moments goodbye seems a bit too harsh.


12. "And Winter Came" -Enya
--A song exemplifying transition from fall to winter. This is an encouraging time for me, because I love winter. It brings me the solace that summer seems to bring most everyone else.


13. "Extraordinary Machine" -Fiona Apple
--A vote of confidence, if you will.
If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me
Or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it
I'm an extraordinary machine 

14. "In the Sun" -Joseph Arthur
--So cliche! I'm pretty sure this song just played at the end of an episode of Scrubs I watched yesterday. I still love it, and it makes casual mention to an elusive God, which means I can pull an *insert belief here* and hijack it for Christ! 10 points for Christ-the-Lord (said with same syllabic emphasis and syncopation as "Gryff-in-dor")! [K, I'm finished blaspheming.]

15. "Still Alive" -GLaDOS
--A fun song and a video game reference to represent the end of the transition... meaning my transition into the world of my sister and brother-in-law, two hardcore gamers.

I guess 15 isn't very many. Here's to hoping this transition feeling doesn't last much longer.

a post without a title

Wednesday night service in an obnoxiously red chapel, a setting I only recognize from February 14, 2009, when my oldest sister betrothed herself to Jared. Tonight, I sit in a pew instead of standing behind my sister on the altar.

"What has God been teaching you this week?"

It's only Wednesday, but God has been apparent in my life with uncharacteristic ubiquity. I wouldn't know where to begin, so I'm silent.

"He has shown me again that he is in control, the Provider," says one man.
"He is Holy," says another.

Anecdotes are told, and God gets the glory he deserves. Then, a woman's silence breaks along with her spirit and composure.

"I don't love nonbelievers...not at all..." As she melts into tears, a knot forms in my throat. I start thinking about all of the people I love, noting this time the demographic of nonbelievers within this pocket of people I have chosen to love. This woman has decades on me. Her mind is running years into the past, searching and hoping for an indication that she can't be all wrong. Coming up short, she falls apart and succumbs to the inevitable selfish response of guilt. She's lived this long, but she missed the point.

I've missed the point. I will be that woman in a couple of decades despite my greatest efforts. I will crumble into tears at the realization that I don't know how to love my God or His people.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
-Psalm 51:17

There are a lot of points to miss. The infinite facets of God's character cannot be counted or understood by even the most fervent of His followers.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
-Psalm 51:12-14

As important is the call for yielding to all God has planned for us, so is a ready understanding of our humanity and ever-looming failures. Pride may not have infinite facets, but I still haven't been able to count them all. It's ready to catch us in a web of guilt for all shortcomings and failures transpired.

God can't fail. Lessons always become those simple truths we were taught as small children, even when we're fifty-years-old and still guilt-driven.
God loves you.
God is in control.
God has a plan.
Philosophers really do get it sometimes. Kierkegaard said that life can only be understand backwards but it must be lived forwards. Solomon writing Ecclesiastes is a clear enough implication of that truth. If all I can ever truly understand is that I won't ever understand it all in this life, then I can only hope to let my pride take that beating and recognize God's glory and power over my own little life in a big, big world.

It's almost done. Changing the background some and trimming her ginormous forehead a bit. Feel free to buy it for a lot more money than it's actually worth.

[Leo] and Zooey

I'm back to painting again. I set up shop on the floor of my room in the Martin house. There probably won't ever be a time when I consider this my house. It's all too temporary. After a year or so, I'll be out of here. Maybe not out of Chattanooga, but out of this house. It's been fun so far, though. I painted with the door to my room slightly cracked open, just so that my music wouldn't interfere with Jared's out in the living room. When Leo got home from daycare, he waddled down the hall straight to my room and peeped through the crack. His face lit up at the sight of me painting (really at the sight of so many bottles of paint to play with), and he pushed the door open to waddle toward me. He handed me his little penguin bath toy, which I took as his way of bartering. "Here, you take this, and I'll take over the painting." He proceeded to point at the painting, looking back and forth from me to the painting and babbling all sorts of nonsense. That I took as him giving me instructions, so I listened. This is as far as I got today. Thank Leo for his eye. It wouldn't be the same without him.

Psalm 51

"When nothing is owed, deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it."

Decide what to be and go be it. So simple, so my current mantra.

A lot can happen in a day. Today was one of those days. The meaning behind all the things sprung up when God brought me here and reminded me what I want to be so that I can go be it:

Psalm 51

1  Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions. 
2  Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
3  For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me. 
4  Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment. 
5  Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me. 
6  Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
7  Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 
8  Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice. 
9  Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities. 
10  Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me. 
11  Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me. 
12  Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
13  Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you. 
14  Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness. 
15  O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise. 
16  For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
 17  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
18  Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
build up the walls of Jerusalem; 
19  then will you delight in right sacrifices,
in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.